Erin and I were both feverish yesterday; so today, we both stayed home "sick." I've read two books in the past week. I started and finished one in its entirety yesterday. I'm so jazzed. What a wonderful way to pass time.

And though that was exciting, I still felt pretty lame not only being home all weekend, but being home on Halloween. I sat outside and handed out the candy while I was sick so Dad wouldn't be bothered by the doorbell.

And my boyfriend hasn't called me all weekend. He's been too hungry, too sleepy, too sick, too disinterested to care about me. He didn't know I wasn't coming to school and he didn't know I was sick. Since last Sunday, he's talked to me on the phone three times. Three times over nine days... He's promised he was going to call, he's sent me texts saying he loves me, but he's really not following through. And not only is this hurting my feelings, but he doesn't even know he's doing it because he won't listen to me :( I can't even bring it up until after this Saturday because he has theatre everyday until Saturday. And that's fine. He has other commitments. I get that, and I can respect it. But the fact that he decided to hang out with theatre kids this weekend, spending so much more effort and even denying his sickness and his own needs to be with them, while ignoring me, even though he'll see them all week? It makes me angry. It makes me feel like shit, but he doesn't get it and doesn't care to, so what am I to do? In the meantime, I'm doing nothing. Pretending like nothing's going on because I'm too afraid to bring it up.

Whatever. He finally texted me when he realized I wasn't at school. I'm not texting him back. He'll call me when he cares.

Dear acne,
Get off my face. Forever. I mean it. You're gross.
Most sincerely,
Elise

UNC app due Monday... unless I choose to do submit it in January rather than by Early Action. I've not finalized these plans yet.  More importantly, a) Matt is sick with 100.1 fever, headache, and cough... He kissed me today. I don't want to be sick. This is probably a "Suck it up, Princess." moment. b) I've not decided what I want my Senior Laurel to say. I've got a lot of options, but I'm just not sure what to choose. Poll? I'm looking for something short, but meaningful and at least semi-characteristic of me. Also I'm open to suggestions.

# 1 Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
Towards the Moon or to the Sun.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

# 2 Freedom lies in being bold.
-- Robert Frost

# 3 Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that, it lights up the whole sky.
-- Hafiz

# 4 Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might.
-- William Saroyan

# 5 He stood on his soap box and told us a parable
of a man with eyeglasses so small they're unwearable;
and the moral of the story is it all looks terrible
depending on what you look through.
-- Story of the grandson of Jesus by Cloud Cult

# 6 If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole lives would change.
-- Buddha

# 7 Exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life.
-- Lawrence K. Fish

# 8 In the end, it should be known that she was happy.

Laura Vogelaar painted the above on one of the walls of my physics classroom. I doubt she realizes how comforting it is when I'm trying not to cry in the middle of a test.

I would like to live in spaces like these. I'm craving light.

Also I'm determined to own a house with a library. It's so worth it.

Happy Halloween tomorrow/tonight!

UNC app due in one week... I'm working on it.

Jasmine sent me a book today via Malou. She keeps telling me to just forget her, leave her be, blah, blah, blah; yet she keeps doing things like this. Jasmine, do you want to be in my life or not? Anyway, she lent me this pretty neat book, and though she keeps telling me contrarily, I decided that I wanted to fill her in on all the mix CD's she's missed in her absence. I ripped all of them to my computer and decided which ones I wanted to burn and realized that one (that Ben made for me) was entitled Mix 2: Pulchritudinous. Not knowing its definition, I decided to google "pulchritudinous" and came up with this: pul·chri·tu·di·nous  (pŭl'krĭ-tōōd'n-əs, -tyōōd'-) 
adj.  Characterized by or having great physical beauty and appeal.

And I don't know that he was calling me beautfiul, but it seems that way :) And it's one of the sweetest/nerdiest things anyone's ever not-really-said to me. So thank you, Benjamin.

credit to www.xanga.com/seedsower for the pic :)

P.S. Erin and I both woke up late this morning and didn't get to school until third period. Because of this extended amount of time I spent sleeping, I had some wicked dreams. At first, I was in a town whose center point was an active volcano. The lava from the volcano was building and growing closer and closer to eruption. We realized that the world was about to end because of this, so I was offered a spot on Smythers' trampoline/tarp raft. His plan was to throw water balloons at the lava as it came close. It was a plan doomed to fail, but I felt that I had no other option until I decided just to go to Matt's house. His dad, his two brothers, and MY grandmother were all there. I was very worried about my mother. She was still back at the site of the volcano, perhaps with Smythers' trampoline raft. Matt let me borrow a cell phone that resembled Kyle-from-Mann's phone. I called to check on her and realized that the world was not actually ending, just our town. So we drove away in a jeep after Matt's brother Andy hit on me and made me uncomfortable and Matt's other brother, Daniel, tried to comfort me. Andy was dressed as a child and Andy had no face. So off into the sunset we drove. I don't remember something... We ended up at the beach. Amy was there. We noticed the tide pulling out and saw that a huge tidal wave was rolling in so we, Amy, myself, and two other girls, moved ourselves to our room on the 13th or 14th floor. We ordered room service of eggs and sliced oranges and were told that we were not to be in the hotel as it was an insurance liability. Disregarding this, I moved onto the balcony where I was waiting for the wave to roll in. In looking at it, I was scared, but I realized that I would not die. I intuitively got that God was just testing me, and I would live, but I was very concerned for the lives of others. I woke up.

I wonder sometimes to whom other people write/blog. I think I'm writing to... who knows? Mostly to myself, with bits and pieces directed towards people I can't/don't actually speak to (i.e. Jasmine or my dad), and also to the general population at large, an ambiguous, faceless mass of people.

Yesterday was a big day for the marching band. We accomplished the goal we'd been working towards all season, and we made a Superior at states. It was the most important show of the year, everyone was focused, and when they announced our rating over the loud-speaker, I smiled and saluted like I was supposed to, but I just felt numb. Matt noticed and kept calling me out on it. "What's wrong? Why are you so sad? You're smiling, but your eyes say you're not happy." While I'm glad that he knows me that well, I didn't know what to tell him. I still don't really know what to tell him. Sometimes I'm just sad, I guess.

So after states, we kept tradition and took pictures in the bowling parking lot, ate at IHOP, and hung out. (We ended up watching Garden State at Smythers'. Good movie.) After that, we picked my sister up from the Homecoming dance, (She was beautiful; and she danced with a boy! So adorable!) and Matt and I hung out for a bit. I was still in this mood, so I laid down on the floor and just started talking. I moved to sit next to him on the couch and kept talking. We moved into the room where the offending incident took place. We snuggled and we talked and we cried about all the things in our lives that make us miserable and everything and everyone who has ever hurt us. I love him.

I hate being in the same building structure as my dad; I'm getting really good at sneaking out and think that's sad.

I'm getting a kitten the second I have a place of my own.

I learned it is the weak who are the cruel,
and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong.
 –L. Rosten

Dad and I had a sentimental moment. It was fairly significant, and we're okay... for now. Jasmine and I are exchanging smiles and words very casually for now. I realize that throughout my day, very few people listen to me. So perhaps, I will stop talking and see if they miss my words. If they don't, will I be upset? We'll see.

As of right this very second, I'm applying to UNC Chapel Hill, Clemson U, UVA, and a reach like Brown or UPenn. These applications are driving me a bit batty. And I'm signed up for my subject tests in November at RU. It's kinda ridiculous though, that I'm taking Literature and Math 1 and 2 since that's pretty much what's on the SAT 1. Whateva!

"who are all these strange ghosts rooted to the silly little adventure of earth with me?"
on the road.

all credit to www.xanga.com/indierocks88